NOTARIZER! This fifth episode of Season 2 was one of the funniest yet. Pete’s back to plotting against Andre as Andre vainly tries to prove his superiority to the league, Kevin’s having issues at home with Jenny, Ruxin’s taking on “charity terrorism” like only the most sinister office dweller could, and Taco’s off on a mission to make a quick buck…or is it to hit on women? The two usually go hand in hand with him.
Season 1 of “The League” set the bar pretty high for raunchy comedy, and I think it’s taken a few episodes for “The League” to really hit its stride again. I thought last week’s episode had finally reestablished the spiteful, insane plots that made Season 1 so hilarious, but this week topped it. I don’t think I’m alone in saying that.
But now we need to get on to the episode. You don’t come here to read what I have to say, amirite?
This week, we begin with Andre announcing that he is running the marathon for charity in a video to the league.
But as is required when Andre does something without concern for his own reputation, Pete takes his little humanitarian mission and morphs it into a journey in the wayback machine through all of Andre’s sordid past exercise crazes, including a stripper pole and anal kegels. Yes, anal kegels.
This video led me to two thoughts: 1) The Internet was invented to make fun of people like Andre. And 2) All fantasy football league hosting sites (You listening, ESPN? Yahoo!? Fleaflicker?) need to get on this video trash-talking feature from “The League.”
I was entertained by it when it appeared throughout Season 1, but now I’m jealous of it after seeing the joy it brings to Season 2. And yes, I realize it’s largely a writer device to save us from screenshots of message board bashing within the league site. I STILL WANT IT!
If you’ve maintained a responsible level of sobriety through the first four episodes, you’ll remember that Jenny is now a member of the league. A lady has joined the crew. So she comes out to the bar for the weekly night of trash-talk, but she doesn’t bring much talk. Instead, Kevin and Jenny get all lovey-dovey in the bar even though they are head-to-head this week. Blasphemy.
“There is no love in the league.” Roll clip.
This love, of course, creates concern that they will cheat their way to victory in the league, and Ruxin is having none of that.
But wait, Andre’s got something in his mouth: Sports Performance Utility Nutrition Kick, AKA (that’s right) S.P.U.N.K.
Many a priceless thing could be said here, and the league did a pretty good job of covering all of them. See the one-liners below for the brilliance.
After SPUNK-ing himself, Andre attempts to use his marathon running as a pick-up line on the waitress, but Pete makes sure that doesn’t happen by using the same line, declaring that he also is running the marathon and stealing Andre’s thunder. So establishes the Andre struggle for this week.
Post-bar, Jenny and Kevin are having a little of the sexy time, but her trash-talking kills the mood. No one wants to hear about Frank Gore when they are about to have sex. No one but maybe Frank Gore. The following morning, Kevin and Jenny make a pact to not let the league come between them and their marriage, which is a great idea that will never work, just like a combined line at the express checkout counters at the grocery store. Some idiot always picks one like he’s the first person to think of it. (No one likes you, guy. We had a great system here.) Kevin also realizes, for the very first time, that Hotel Rwanda was based on a true story — truly one of the best moments of this episode.
Meanwhile, Pete stayed out all night with the waitress and runs into Andre training for his big run. They decide to wager $2000 on who will have the better run time. This can only end well.
And back at the office, Ruxin takes on Team Twila, the “charity terrorist” who is raising money for her own entry into the marathon. You can always tell an argument went well when it ends with “I can’t believe I work in an office full of hungry, hungry hippos.”
At Kevin’s house, the gang is all together. Andre runs there and smells like teen spirit, but he’s still game for a “hydrating” (read: chugging) contest with Pete. Pete plays with beer and wins (by reaching the bottom of bottle). Andre plays with water and loses (by tears, tears always mean lose).
A conversation with Jenny leaves the guys abuzz about how Kevin and Jenny’s marriage is like “awkward Wimbledon” now that they are going head to head in the league. When Kevin sees an alert pop up about Frank Gore’s turf toe, he has a tough decision. Dick move: pick up the backup to Frank Gore and block Jenny from having a great matchup this week. Husband move: tell his wife that Frank Gore is injured. The guys all encourage him to finish her off. Ruxin even throws out the vintage “SWEEP THE LEAGUE, JOHNNY!” but Kevin is torn. SPOILER: He chooses to be a dick!
And by the way, if “The League” curse strikes again and Gore is injured this week, I’m sending hate mail.
Now that Twila is on a mission to ruin Ruxin, she gives him a hard time when he needs documents notarized for a big trial — the BP defense against the Gulf Coast fishermen (I would expect no less from Ruxin). But luckily, his mention of the “cu-notary” earlier in the week has convinced Taco that he has a future as a notarizer. “El Notario” even sends out a video to the league advertising his services. You may remember him as the premiere dealer of three-penis wine.
The business has Taco itching to burn money since he’s not one to have a bank account. So he’s buying rounds. Andre shows up with his number, 1729, and, as Ruxin says, “dressing like the fifth member of Color Me Bad.”
A women strikes up a conversation with Taco for urgent notary services, and he takes her away to his office in the men’s bathroom to do business. But the situation soon turns ugly when Taco notarizes not only her document but also her ass (for free!). On her way out the door, with Taco in tow, they bump into Andre, which sends him to the floor with turf toe. I guess it really is that easy to get injured. No marathon for Andre.
Ruxin pays a visit to Taco in an attempt to get his documents notarized before his trial. A Sizzler gift card gets Taco out of retirement, which he had entered into after “the life” wore him out in just one week.
Fast-forward to Sunday, and Jenny shows up at some kind of sports bar (a new place?) to meet the guys and watch the games. She picked up Anthony Dixon instead of Frank Gore’s backup, which Kevin had stashed, and the third-stringer ends up getting all the points in Gore’s stead. Kevin’s dick move backfired, and once again, “The League” is pretty spot on about which players would benefit from an injury. Even with Glen Coffee retired, which surprised everyone, Brian Westbrook is now the backup to Frank Gore, but he would probably only play a small role while Dixon did most of the heavy lifting if Gore was to miss time. Either they do some brilliant work in editing or “The League” has an inside source better than Adam Schefter himself.
Twila shows up and interrupts Taco’s notarizing of Ruxin’s documents to reveal that “El Notario” doesn’t even have a valid notary license. His stamp is from Venezuela. You should have known that Taco wouldn’t do it the hard way, Ruxin. And so, Taco hangs up his notary spurs…err, stamp, and Ruxin has to make a deal with Twila to get her to notarize his documents.
Jenny points out how fun it is to watch games when you actually have something on the line, but…she soon realizes that Kevin and her neglected to get Ellie over to a friend’s house after gymnastics. They rush off to be parents.
Andre’s confronted by Pete, who claims to have run the marathon and demands his money, and as Andre chases Pete off on his turf toe, Ruxin tries S.P.U.N.K. (and seems to like it).
To wrap the episode, we go back to the bedroom with Kevin and Jenny, only this time, Kevin’s talking dirty about how well Jenny’s team did against him. What a freaky fetish.
Best of the one-liner quotes from Episode 5
ANDRE: “Spunk is amazing.” “I love spunk” “I like the black kind” (Really, everything Andre said about S.P.U.N.K.)
KEVIN: “I don’t want to talk smack when I’m about to enter you.” and “I just basically have to tie a stick to it to get it in now.”
RUXIN: “It’s almost a jihad against my wallet.”
RUXIN: “I also love The Country’s Best Yogurt, but I don’t expect you to pay me to go on the elliptical to work it off.”
RUXIN: “Andre, you smell like eighth grade kids who haven’t learned to use deodorant yet.”
PETE: “This women’s basketball game…this is like the ‘Heartbreak Hill’ of channel surfing.”
RUXIN: “Think of me as your University of Phoenix.”
JENNY: “There is absolutely no love in the league.”
Looking to the next episode: Let’s hope for more Taco employment options and more Ruxin at work. I think that’s where he shines.
But wait, wouldn’t you love to ask your pals from “The League” all your pressing fantasy football questions? Well, you can. Fantasy Football Nerd is currently taking questions for the cast of the “The League” that will be answered before Week 8. Get on over there and enter your questions.