Whether it’s karma or the careful plotting of the rest of the league, Ruxin’s had a string of bad luck ever since he brought home the championship last season. He hits rock bottom in this, the last episode before the season finale.
It’s easy to say he had it coming. I mean, he ended last season with a “Suck it!” to the entire league and a reign of terror that darkened the skies of Chicago. Now, as his champion season comes an end, Ruxin’s been beat down, abused, and put in his place more than once.
With Pete and Ruxin both one loss away from playing in the Sacko Bowl, Pete hatches a noble scheme to bring an end to the guilt and suspicion they’ve had to deal with all season.
Pete decides to commit “Shivacide.”
If Pete loses, it doesn’t matter whether Ruxin wins or not. The two of them, due to tiebreakers, will have the two lowest records in the league, and Pete is confident he’ll best Ruxin in Week 16, assuring Ruxin will take home the Sacko.
From first to worst. The perfect end to Ruxin’s reign of terror.
While Kevin protests at first, such a selfless gesture cannot be ignored. After all, Kevin’s full of guilt about allowing the league to change the draft order after they drew Ruxin’s name first. So he agrees to allow “St. Pete” to make the great sacrifice for the good of the league.
But allowing this further transgression against Ruxin doesn’t clear Kevin’s conscience. After meeting with Pete, he decides to simulate an alternate league scenario based on the original draft order — a parallel universe where fairness mattered.
Much to his excitement, when the calculations are done, Kevin still would have made the playoffs with the original, correct draft order. This must just be his season, outside of that small incident last week.
But now that he knows the truth, Kevin’s put everyone at risk by creating evidence that the league colluded against Ruxin, a secret they’ve successfully hidden the entire season. At Pete’s urging, Kevin agrees that his notes on the alternate league scenario must be destroyed…as soon as they find them.
Not to be distracted from his distractions by fantasy football, Taco’s moving forward with his plans for Taco Corp. And by moving forward, I mean he’s actually making it a “Corp.” by incorporating it.
To do so, he needs Ruxin’s help, which Ruxin’s not very willing to provide until he sees that Taco has first priority on the waiver wire.
Knowing he could assure himself the chance to grab Felix Jones as long as Taco doesn’t put in a claim, Ruxin changes his tune and assumes his role as lawyer and longtime consigliere of Taco and Taco Corp. to go “business dinnering” with Taco at Obscura, the new downtown restaurant in complete darkness.
As if gropers needed a more accommodating setting.
The darkness of Obscura works in Pete and Kevin’s favor as they don night vision goggles in search of Kevin’s misplaced alternate league notes in the briefcase Taco stole for “business dinnering.”
They get in and out of Obscura without getting caught by Taco, Ruxin, or the blind host with a supernatural sense of smell, but the briefcase is full of nothing but Taco’s peppermints.
The search continues…
To liven things up in their playoff matchup, Kevin and Jenny decide to make a wager, and Kevin sets the terms — he wants to make another baby with Jenny if he wins. Can’t say that’s what I would have gone with.
Andre, fighting to stay relevant in his Sacko season, decides now is a good time to campaign to be everyone’s ICE, or emergency contact.
Alas, most of the league would rather Doak, the homeless guy who answers any walkie-talkie call on channel 6, be their emergency contact than admit on record that they’re that close to Andre.
Andre forces his way into Pete’s phone. And, of course, Pete is happy to abuse it by calling Andre to pick him up at Kevin’s house, fetch him beers, and worse until he sees fit to trade Andre to Taco in a package with Jason Witten.
It’s after this trade that Andre finally gets a proper opportunity to reciprocate. Pulled over for texting while driving when he was, in fact, making a last minute waiver wire addition before kickoff, Andre discovers that cops only get angry when you persistently ask them to help you decide whether to start Jabar Gaffney or Lance Moore.
With his car impounded, Andre’s forced to call Pete, who refers him to Taco, but Taco’s no help. He arrives via a ride from a girl he doesn’t even know with no money and no transportation to Pete’s house. So they walk.
On the plus side, Jason Witten gives Taco the points he needs to advance to the Shiva Bowl.
At Pete’s house, Ruxin arrives to learn that Pete is losing his matchup with only Mike Tolbert, the vulture, left to play. But the vulture is sick…and he hasn’t been seen since the first drive of the game. Kevin’s “sick vulture” sound is too much for Ruxin to take, and he runs away in tears.
But out of his anger, the evil rises.
Ruxin suspects that there must have been some sort of collusion going on for him to have failed so miserably. When Ruxin storms off to Ellie’s room and, in Ellie’s words, starts “being a real dick” to her frog, Ellie gives Ruxin several new reasons to flip the switch back to his dark side.
First, she hands him Kevin’s “hair pills,” also known as Propecia, and explains that he takes them everyday.
And second, she reveals her latest school project, a presentation board explaining why her daddy, Kevin, is her hero. On that board, she’s pasted the alternate league draft order and the playoff results Kevin calculated.
It’s hard to disagree with Kevin: “This is why I wanted a new kid. This one’s no good.”
With only minutes left in the last NFL game of the week and with Taco already a lock for the Shiva Bowl, Jenny has the lead over Kevin. It looks like it’s going to be Jenny facing Taco for the championship.
But as luck would have it, just as Kevin looks away to catch Jenny, falling off a ladder while decorating the tree, the Ravens D/ST gets an interception and takes it back to the house for a pick-six.
The point swing sends Kevin to the Shiva Bowl, and he Shiva Blasts after telling Jenny to “Suck it!” like a true gentleman.
His celebration, however, is short-lived.
Armed with Ellie’s project, clearly showing the treachery that the league committed against him to start the year, Ruxin will take no excuses. Ranting about how the entire season is null and void, he storms off spouting gibberish, eventually collapsing in the snow outside of Kevin’s house while trying to talk to Sofia on the phone, who just assumes it’s another dropped call.
His frozen Ruxin face suggests stroke. He’s barely even strong enough to resist mouth-to-mouth from Andre.
Is Ruxin…dead? Should we celebrate or cry?
Memorable quotes from Episode 12:
JENNY: “Did you just check the TV? While I’m choking?”
KEVIN: “No, I, you know…there was just a little ticker at the bottom about LeGarrette Blount.”
KEVIN: “So strong when you’re angry.”
RUXIN: “The app I want for my phone is ‘Phone.'”
ANDRE [on dropped calls]: “All of a sudden everyone becomes a cell phone Columbo.”
ANDRE: “You blew up the house…”
KEVIN: “You should call you ICE!”
ANDRE: “I don’t have one.”
PETE: “I’ve decided to commit Shivacide.”
KEVIN: “Saint Peter.”
PETE: “Bless you, my son.”
PETE: “Andre, you accepted your own Facebook invitation to me?”
ANDRE: “Yes, it was sitting there for ages.”
PETE: “No, seven years.”
TACO: “…you remind me of a young me.”
RUXIN: “You’re younger than me.”
RUXIN [to Taco]: “It’s like talking to a block of marble.”
TACO: “The crotchal region is not flattering, but it’s accurate.”
KEVIN: “It’s inappropriate, is what it is.”
TACO: “Are you upset about the bend? Look, that’s a MacArthur family tradition.”
KEVIN: “No, it’s a lilt, first of all.”
ANDRE: “Whoa! That’s a bend. Anything past 19 degrees is a bend. I can fix that if you want.”
ANDRE: “Technically, that’s a medical emergency.”
KEVIN: “You are never touching my dick again.”
ANDRE: “You give me the sign, I’ll do it at night.”
TACO: “I gave it an extra inch…because it’s about hero worship, right?”
TACO: “Yeah, dicks: Great at drawing them. Balls: Not so much. Faces: Not at all.”
KEVIN: “Why don’t you just concentrate a little more on faces?”
TACO: “I still have a lot of work to do on dicks. But then again, I’m my harshest critic.”
TACO: “Last week, I business dinnered with Doak.”
RUXIN: “Taco, business dinner is not a verb.”
TACO: “Yes it is. Like ‘moonwalk’ or ‘karate'”
RUXIN: “I can pay, Taco. ‘Cause you’re basically a homeless person.”
TACO: “No, no, no, I’m used to being in the dark.”
COP: “Jabar sounds like a wizard to me.”
RUXIN: “If I keep making this finger, you think it’ll freeze this way, too.”
TACO: “I made a Cheerio fart.”
RUXIN: “Propecia? Is that why his hair goes halfway down his forehead like teen wolf?”
RUXIN: “Your daddy’s your hero? … You should aim higher like a low-end bookie or a spare tire.”
KEVIN: “You know, I did not set up this league to have a trophy end up with my wife’s name on it or as a bong in my attic.”
KEVIN: “This is why I wanted a new kid. This one’s no good.”
TACO: “I think we’re supposed to pee on him…Might not help, but it can’t hurt.”