I didn’t realize how desperate Kevin was to take home a championship, but I guess when we last saw him, he was swimming at a flaming Viking funeral boat full of league memorabilia, including the Shiva. In hindsight, we should have seen this coming.
Trading away his position as commissioner and naming rights to your first son to Ruxin sounds a lot like a deal with the devil to me…which is fitting. Very fitting indeed.
As someone who took a few years to get their first championship, I can relate to that desperation to win. I never got to the “sell your soul to the devil” stage, but winning really is everything when it comes to fantasy football. The world just makes more sense when the trophy is in your hand.
Speaking of desperation, you wouldn’t think Jenny’s prego needs in the bedroom would be one area where Kevin’s would take a moral high ground. At this stage of the pregnancy, Kevin’s reluctant to “bond” with his son.
If you’re desperate enough to trade away your child’s name, I wouldn’t expect you to turn down sex. Ever. Especially not with your wife when she demands it of you. Now I can’t speak for experience, but…is it really that bad? Toughen up, Kevin.
Pete’s play to become “Custodian of the Hall of Records” might have been my favorite part of this premiere. Every league needs someone to maintain the past, and Pete’s an excellent candidate since he seems to have dirt on everyone.
Why don’t all the league management hosts allow for such a tribute page to embarrassment and shame? I must see to it that each of my leagues gets one of these.
The business cards were also a nice touch all around. Next time I win my league, I’m making business cards that say I’m champ. And bumper stickers…and billboads. Definitely billboards.
Taco, despite all odds, finally made a corp out of Taco Corp. after noodle-arming “Jerry Earl Jones” of the Dallas Cowboys — also known as Jerry Jones or Darth Vader — into buying DallasCowboys.com back from him. Sadly, the sale hindered Taco’s land grab at the singing cowboy business in Dallas, but I’m it’ll recover.
If only Taco’s negotiating skills had come to play, he might be a millionaire. A picture of himself riding a tiger? You know Jer-Bear only respects riding a horse, Taco.
The Jerry Jones cameo was priceless as well as the league challenge to determine who would get first pick in the draft at Cowboys training camp. Still, my favorite still has to be the first pick race from Season 1 when each league member was assigned a child at random.
Sadly, I cannot find a clip of the Season 1 draft order online at all, but if anyone tracks it down please post in the comments below. In lieu of that, Season 2’s draft order selection wasn’t bad either…
I have to say I was a little surprised to see what Jenny dreams about while pre-draft rosterbating to vinegar strokes, but I’m sure Kevin likes where her head’s at, even if he doesn’t get to watch.
All in all, it was a fine first episode to kick off Season 4 of The League. Let’s all welcome Chalupa Batman MacAsterisks!
Thanks to reddit’s Wrestles4Food, we have the perfect song!
Memorable League quotes from Episode 1:
ROBERT GRIFFIN III: “Those days of protein shakes and bad gas landed me on Team Ruxin.”
RUXIN: “I drafted too early… Think I got a second round pick coming.”
RUXIN: “Ohhhhhh…Kevin MacAsterisks”
TACO: “Everything sounds better coming from a cowboy.”
RUXIN: “I am at full chub right now.” [on being commissioner]
KEVIN: “I just feel like right now that tunnel is outbound only.”
TACO [on being in the NFL]: “Does that pay well?”
RUXIN: “Yeah, for like two or three years.”
TACO: “Yeah, Darth Vader owns the Dallas Cowboys.”
ANDRE: “Rich for Taco’s like having 20 bucks and a can of Four Loko.”
JAY RATLIFF: “You don’t steal from the Cowboys. You don’t score on the Cowboys.” (…if only that were true)
TACO: “I saw into her and her baby’s soul…both not great.”
RUXIN: “Jenny, you were flicking that bean like MEAN JOE GREENE!”
KEVIN: “Breathe and tell me your thoughts on Adrian Peterson”
TACO: “It’s America. There’s always a bar.”
JENNY: “Get back behind the line of scrimmage! Offsides, Andre!”