If a TV show was going to tackle the decision to circumcise a child, we all knew The League was going to do it in the most mature way possible, including the requisite side bet based on a husband-wife fantasy faceoff. And I don’t think any of us were surprised how it turned out. Blame Frank Gore’s garbage time TDs.
Meanwhile, the league welcomed it’s newest member, Chalupa Batman (now known as Christopher Benjamin MacArthur, for those keeping score) for all of five minutes before moving on the first hot girl to enter stage left. I would expect nothing less out of our fateful League antiheroes, and they didn’t disappoint in going after Sutton with guns blazing.
The best part of the league dynamic is how much each one of them hates the rest. Of course, I mean this is the competitive spirit way and not in the “I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE” way. Andre’s pitiful attempt to “bump her a text” sounds as bad as it probably went.
If life had a waiver wire, Pete would probably reign supreme with his “little system,” but Taco would be a helluva lot more fun about his pickups.
In the end, Pete’s forced to give up not Golden Tate, not Eric Decker, but Greg Jennings for the first rights to Sutton, only to see Taco swoop in as soon as she was back on the free market. Jokes on Taco anyway.
I’ll never understand Taco’s way with women, but somehow he can get inside a woman’s apartment days after she finds him sleeping on the street.
In fact, can we get a waiver wire post each week by Taco? I feel like that’d be worth reading. Maybe he can take us inside the Taco Corp. retreat to sweat lodge at Burning Man.
Pete’s system applied to women was probably the closest thing to the “Ignore the Blond” theory from A Beautiful Mind I’ve ever seen. It’s not quite as complicated, but the thought process is so exacting.
Dr. Levenson doesn’t seem like such a bad dude, but nobody likes the guy who chops his son’s member.
Even if Shiva thinks he’s cute, Jenny’s certianly not doing anything out fo the ordinatorhasdkfjalksdf
Andre’s hoodie was never NOT going to be a foreskin.
For the record, Shiva is so much more than a “sloppily made symbol” of the league’s “lost youth.” And I could tell you that in less than a full Aerosmith song.
The League creators must have sat down and thought…how can we make Andre look more like a penis? And then the scene with his head slit, helmets, rubdown, and beer-sposion happened. Where’s the GIF already?
It was laughs all around when we learn Andre had a buried penis in his fat baby fupa, which prevented the doctor from giving him a clean snip.
Shiva leaves the league with a curse as it does not have her blessing to continue to rock her picture on the trophy. Things will not go well, and it begins with the loss of foreskin.
Memorable quotes from The League Episode 2:
PETE: “I got a little system.”
ANDRE: “Wait a second, so you live your dating life like you’re just choosing someone off a waiver wire?”
PETE: “Pretty much, yeah.”
TACO: “Hold on, I’m gonna try this. I’m gonna pick up Kevin’s beer off of the waiver wire.”
KEVIN: “No, that’s just stealing, Taco. It’s theft.”
TACO: “Uh-uh, I don’t have time to teach you how to play fantasy football.”
ANDRE: “I have priority! I haven’t touched a boob in like a year.”
RUXIN: “I am indeed your life commissioner.”
RUXIN: “I’m the closest thing to God you shits ever got.”
TACO: “Foreskin is a MacArthur family tradition, like alcoholism.”
RUXIN: “You got a corvette, you rock it with the top down.”
ANDRE: “I don’t blog about everything, okay. I blog about magic and sometimes Don Henley.”
TACO: “I’ve seen his balls a few times but never his dick.”
RUXIN: “As the commissioner, I demand to know what your penis looks like!”
KEVIN: [to Shiva] “No, you’re taking it the wrong way. I won…you. I OWN YOU!”
SHIVA: “I am not a sloppily made symbol of your lost youth.”
KEVIN: “Show me…on this doll…where the doctor touches mommy.”
KEVIN: “Fine. You know what? Character actors work all the time. I have the Stephen Tobolowsky of dicks.”
PETE: “How do you feel about night meetings?” (Pete is so smooth)
TACO: “I need a backup. People die all the time. A month ago, l had four girlfriends. Rest in peace, Oksana. Goddamn that mountain lion.”
TACO: “Girls are like kickers. You can never have enough!”
PETE: “Wait, so we’re in the National Foreskin League?”
TACO: “Poor little Chalupa is gonna to lose his crispy outer shell.
KEVIN: “Can you not speak of my son’s member as if it was fourth meal?”
RUXIN: “You have to excuse Taco. He’s on a five second tape delay.”
RUXIN: “I just want the 411 on his little fatty.”
TACO: “Now it kinda looks like your head’s coming out of a vagina.”
PETE: “I guess that would make it a…two-skin?”
RUXIN/KEVIN: “Baby fupa!”
RUXIN: “Just like scraping the barnacles off a boat blindfolded in rough seas.”
RUXIN: “A little dramatic for a urologist, don’t you think?”
PETE: “I think that was a pox.”
TACO: “I knew she was a witch doctor!”
SUTTON: “Independently wealthy. Plus 8.”
KEVIN: “Well, she had a baby…’cause I put it inside her. With my penis.”
KEVIN: “Some people like convertibles, but trust me, hardtops are much better. It’s a classic look.”